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AITAH for wanting a divorce after my husband gaslit me into...
Main Post: AITAH for wanting a divorce after my husband gaslit me into...
What's the most surprising thing you learned from getting divorced?
Main Post: What's the most surprising thing you learned from getting divorced?
Top Comment: The person you married is not the same person you divorce
When was the moment you realised "this is it"! Divorce is the only solution.
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I watched this video (interview with a divorce lawyer) and in min 17:00 he tells a story about a client. When she knew it was time to ask for a divorce.
I actually thought about this and also have that moment in my relationship that was clear there was no turning point
I really like to travel and the outdoors. And have been going out on walks almost every weekend. My then husband never wanted to go with me. One day his brother was visiting and we all went (I kinda made him go too) and while in the city park, it was clear as water how miserable he was for being there. I understood right then and there. I can make him do things but I can't make him liking them again.
Divorced now for a year and couldn't be happier!
What was your moment?
Edit: thank you everyone for your stories! I'm so happy how this community supports eachother! I was moved and touched by many of your stories and am so happy and proud of all the courage and will power you all have! The best time to start living our best life depends only on us!
Top Comment: During COVID. His two best friends had gently suggested I should divorce him within a couple weeks of when ... I had virtual court hearing with a difficult judge. He came downstairs to scream at me about???????? I couldn't tell you now. I did my hearing, went outside to smoke. My mom called me to ask if I wanted to do some gardening at my place and I just started sobbing about how I couldn't do it anymore. She told me to pack a bag, bring the dog, and I went. Filed for divorce within days. I'm not a crier, my mom immediately knew it was a code red situation if I broke down like that.
Reddit - The heart of the internet
Main Post: Reddit - The heart of the internet
SURPRISE! You are getting a divorce. A Man's Checklist of things to do right now.
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Title is self-explanatory. You are reading this because either you have officially been served with papers or your wife has threatened you with divorce and you know that she is serious. Here is a checklist of what you need to do NOW.
- Do NOT leave your home, do NOT react with anger.
This is difficult as you are dealing with all sorts of high emotions. Your wife just told you that she is willing to destroy your family, your relationship, and your life as you know it. Your first reaction is shock, sadness, anger, and complete disbelief that feels like this is not happening to you - that you are watching a movie of somebody else's life unravel.
You CANNOT act now in a "fight or flight" mode, which is your natural, human instinct. If you make the wrong move here, you will be screwed in many ways that you cannot even understand just yet. Find a safe room in your house you can retreat to. Either your bedroom or basement. If the door has a lock, great. If not, consider installing one. This is going to be your retreat for at least the next few weeks or months. This is going to suck, but you've got this. Identify that place and lock yourself in there to take some deep breaths. Do not pack up your shit and leave. DO NOT LEAVE. This is your house.
2. You need legal counsel NOW. Your wife might have told you that this is going to be cordial, that she wants it to be civil, maybe even that she still loves you and you will work this out together. She might also being telling you that she plans to take the kids, dog, house, cars, money and everything you own. IGNORE EVERYTHING SHE SAYS, BUT DO NOT RESPOND IN ANGER. Ignore everything she says to you from this point forward. No more believing anything coming out of her mouth. Her actions have just shown you that she is perfectly willing to wreck your life, destroy your family and relationship and has no qualms doing so. You now are involved in a lawsuit (divorce is a lawsuit) with an enemy combatant.
Think of your situation this way - she just surprised you on the opening kickoff of the Super Bowl with an onside kick that she recovered at your own 20 yard line. You are on defense in a very bad position to start this game. You need help and you need a Hall of Fame coach to get you out of this jam and you need them now.
Where do I find a good lawyer? How do I know they are good? If you are like most people, you will know someone who has gone through a divorce - either a friend or even some random acquaintance. Start there. Did they come out ok? Who did they use as their lawyer? If you don't know anyone, or who they used, your County likely has an online court docket system where you can search by name. Type in your divorced friend's name and search Domestic Relations cases. The docket will show who their lawyer was.
If you know absolutely no one that has gone through this, google search news articles with your town's name and "high profile divorce" or some variation of that to see who people who have the ability and money to hire good lawyers actually hire. NOTE: this is never the lawyers who advertise all over the place. Those hacks advertise so much for a reason. Contact these lawyers for a consultation now. It's only a consultation at this point and lasts one hour. The big money concerns come later - do not worry about that yet. Just line up consultations.
A consultation actually is a great defensive play for you, because if you have this consultation, it actually prevents your wife from hiring that same attorney due to a conflict of interest. You can even turn this into an offensive play here, as if she has not yet actually filed or served you with papers, find out which lawyer her bitchy, stupid divorced friend (or friends) used. In all likelihood, this is who your wife is planning to hire. Call that lawyer now and schedule an initial consultant ASAP. This will block your wife from being able to hire that person. Now she is on defense.
3. You need to identify multiple ways to physically work out and take care of your body.
Along with this, DO NOT DRINK. DO NOT GET STONED. Repeat, your first inclination might be to go get completely shitfaced. DON'T DO THIS. You will be wrecking yourself in big ways you still don't quite understand. You need to be sober, thoughtful, strong (both physically and mentally), and ready for the battle of your life. Whether you were ready for it or not, this is now going to be the toughest thing you've ever dealt with. Your wife has been plotting this behind your back for months now. She has a gameplan that might even have been put together by an expensive, sleazy lawyer. You need all of your mental and physical strength to respond to this.
If you are not a member of a gym, go join now. Even if you think you won't ever go, just get the membership. Planet Fitness costs $10/month. Do it. You can always cancel later.
Identify multiple physical activities. Yoga is great in this situation for multiple reasons. It is low impact and if you are not a gym person, anyone can do yoga. It's very relaxing for the mind. Yoga also tends to be 90% women, which is going to do wonders for your confidence and mindset and psyche going forward during this divorce. Every guys loves looking at yoga pants. Almost every yoga place has an introductory offer (pay $30 for unlimited yoga for 30 days or something like that). Do it. Even if you know you won't use it, do it.
Buy a heavy bag and put it in your garage or basement.
4. Change all of your passwords and logon IDs immediately. This means email, online banking, credit cards, phone bills, and whatever is sensitive information. She might argue that you are locking her out of a joint account or whatever. Who cares - again, ignore anything coming out of her mouth. If you are doing anything wrong, the courts will sort all of that out later. You need to lockdown and secure all of your information right now.
5. Find a way to record all of your interactions. Check your state's laws on recording. Your state might be a "one party consent" state. This means that only one person in a conversation needs to consent to it being recorded. That person is you. There are awesome free "voice recorder" apps you can download to your phone that actually record everything, even when the phone is in sleep mode. Have that ready and anytime she approaches you with that stupid look on her face "wanting to talk", click that button and start recording.
6. Hire a (male) therapist that specializes in divorce/relationship issues.
Even if you think therapy is douchey, and have never done it before. You are going to need someone that you can vent to and just let it all out to during this upcoming process. Therapy is relatively cheap and way cheaper than venting to your lawyer you are about to hire. Find a guy therapist and know that you only need to make appointments "as needed". Maybe you'll never need him, or maybe you'll need him a lot. Just get it lined up now.
There are many, many other things you are going to need to deal with over the coming months. But these are essential for dealing with the first few days and weeks after your wife has shocked the hell out of you.
Remember, you got this. It is going to suck beyond all belief. But you are tougher than you think and are going to come out ok when it's all over. The people you hear about who lives were ruined during this process most likely were ones that made bad missteps early on in the process which became difficult, if not impossible to recover from later.
Don't f&* up early. Start working on a plan and gearing up for this fight. You've got this and you WILL get through it.
Top Comment: This should get pinned to the sidebar.
Help me articulate why divorce is so hard for men
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I'm doing some writing around my divorce, and I'm struggling to articulate the underlying reasons why divorce is uniquely difficult for men.
I know that it helped me to grow because I was emotionally immature before my divorce. Divorce forced me to take a long hard look at myself.
I can also talk about statistics, (ie. men pay the majority of child support, alimony, lose access to their houses more), but that feels impersonal.
What made divorce hard for you?
I'm probably over thinking this and need to take a step back. But I appreciate your perspectives.
EDIT: if you’re willing to speak me with me via zoom and let me interview you for about 30 minutes it would help a lot. Shoot me a dm
Top Comment: Instinctually, men want to provide and build security and safety for their off-spring and their partner. What they can’t inherently provide is the level of nurturing a woman is capable of providing to the off-spring. In order to nurture, a woman needs safety and security. So marriage evolved as sort of trade agreement established many years ago by modern man. Historically, what sustained the trade agreement was desire and loyalty. Men simply asked for loyalty in exchange for providing safety and security. What was devastating to a man was to have to provide for another man’s child. No birth control and no DNA tests. Therefore loyalty was paramount. Women needed to feel desired. This feeling gave them comfort in knowing their provider would not abandon them and their family for another woman, leaving them vulnerable and unsafe. Modern feminism and resulting biased divorce laws create a huge, unfavorable imbalance to the instinctual trade agreement. The imbalance favors the female. Modern divorce laws remove any fear of abandonment and any need for loyalty, because the man is forced to provide alimony and child support- ie security and safety. Marriage for women has become more of an episode in life; a means of attainment, rather than an actual lifelong commitment. I am not trying to start a debate. First word I used in first paragraph was “instinctual”. My point is you can’t reset 300,000 years of instincts with laws passed the last 50 years. That is why it is so hard on men and that’s why men are not getting married.
In your opinion, What is the number one reason for divorce?
Main Post: In your opinion, What is the number one reason for divorce?
Top Comment: Forgetting that you’re on the same team.